I Love You is used so much these days. You hear it on television and in movies like it's a fad instead of genuine honesty from the heart. In today's Boost Your Blog Challenge, the topic is to discuss something you regret not telling a loved one (dead or alive).
Well, the one thing I could think of off the top of my head was not saying, "I love you" enough to my grandmother while I was still present in her life. I grew up having to be a caregiver for my grandmother. I called her Mrs. Anna, merging the "s" and the "a" together to sound more like, Mrsanna. I realized my grandmother was present in my life around about five years old. She used to come in the bedroom at night and put the covers (sheets) over my siblings and I. I could hear her mumbling to herself, which woke me up at times but I didn't mind. I used to enjoy her coming in and putting the covers on me. She was our babysitter during the day when we were little but that changed later. I remember one day we came home from school and she was having a seizure on the living room floor. It was a complete eye-opener for us as kids. I believe that's when I felt my skin really start to grow thicker and see without feeling but be present in the moments they happened. She had so many health problems that would come over her body. That's when it became obvious that I had to be there for her and my siblings after school because she couldn't be alone too long by herself.
At times I felt angry and upset by the fact that I was 14, 15, then 16 and couldn't do activities in school or even go outside to be with other kids. I had to balance school work with home responsibilities. I even had to miss school some days. Boy, was I mad. Not to mention, my grandmother was something else at times. She had a mouth on her that could cut a man without even touching him. Then she could be so nice and we would talk about her past when she had her dementia episodes. Eventually, I settled into it all and realized that she needed me and adapted. As far as the love of it all, during those years I couldn't understand the responsibilities I was given to be alright with accepting them on an emotionally level. That above all, stunted my response of saying the, "I love you" words much at all.
Once I turned 17, I decided to go into the Army and things were rough at that time on so many levels to explain. I had to leave right away to go and never had the chance to hug my grandmother and say, "I love you", no matter how rough and tough she made things at times. Once I was settled into basic training, I would call and ask to speak with her and my mom used to say she couldn't speak at the time. I believe intuitively, I was feeling that something was wrong because I was mentally out of it and not my normally self. I was not as on my mark as I usually was in my tasks. When I came home for the holidays in 1999, I was told by my aunt that my grandmother died. She died of pneumonia after surgery from falling and hitting her head. She survived the surgery but her lungs began to complicate matters. I never knew. I never knew to come home to see her. I was angry for a long time but have now made peace with it in my spirit. I know that Mrsanna is definitely in a better place. However, I regret not telling my grandmother how much I loved her, when I had so much time to do so.
Remember, if there is someone in your life that you feel weird about sharing how much you love them, now is the time to change that. The people that matter most in our lives will one day leave us behind or the other way around so it's up to us, in strength, to let them know how we feel.
Do you have something you regret not telling a loved one (dead or alive)? Share it with me, I would love to read it.
Selena B. ❤
This entry is just one of the daily posts on this journey through the Boost Your Blog Challenge. All posts are 100% my own content. If you are a blogger and would like to participate in this month's challenge. Click the on the banner below for more details.